By Annabel Graham, Executive and Team Coach, and Director of Successful Training, Leadership & Coaching Consultancy.
A good friend of mine asked me a question a little while ago.
He asked: “Is the world making good use of you?”
And this really made me think.
Was it?
I was doing many things which other people may have found useful, but were they useful to me? At the same time, was I actually being useful or just helpful to those around me?
Now this may seem like a very slim distinction, but in the coaching world, it’s a very important differentiator. When we are helpful to others, it means we tend to do things for them. This removes personal agency, and doesn’t help others to learn or grow.
When we are useful, then we enable others to think and act for themselves, so they can take that learning with them. Being useful rather than being helpful is now a question I frequently ask the leaders and coaches who I work with.
The problem is, as humans, we like helping others – in fact many of us thrive on it. We have been conditioned to do so by our parents and care givers. They role model helping us, giving us the answers, coming to the rescue – all in the name of love. Which means we in turn role model these behaviours, not only in our family lives, but at work. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve spoken to people in the workplace who say “I just want to help me team”.
Helping isn’t always a good thing. Helping may mean you are taking responsibility for tasks and issues which aren’t yours. Helping may mean you are being bigger in your role than you should be. Helping may mean your people are not being enabled to step up, make decisions and act for themselves.
Just think about it – how often are you the answer person, the one who people go to with questions?
The person who always has a list of things to do for other people? The person who feels weighed down and overwhelmed by the obligations you have towards others? Sound familiar?
Are you being helpful, rather than being useful?
Reflect for a minute on everything you do at work (and out of work if you wish):
Do you spend your time involved in things which will add the most value to you/the business?
Are you attending meetings you shouldn’t be in?
Have you agreed to do something that isn’t yours to do, and should belong to someone else?
Do you delay work that you have planned to deliver because someone else has asked for your time?
Do you lack space in your day/week to do the things you want to do?
Are you enabling your team to take the lead and responsibility for their own work?
If you answer yes to any of these, I would challenge you to think about where you can be more useful within your role.
First of all, think about the situations where you tend to step in and be over helpful. What triggers you to do this? Is it a specific person, certain situations, the need to be wanted? Remember, we get a reward from helping others, we get the gratitude and thanks and that makes us feel good. It does not mean though that it the right thing to do.
Next, think about all the times you’ve said yes when you should have said no. When you have stepped in and taken charge, rather than asked someone to think for themselves. What boundaries do you need to put in place? What could you do instead which would give you a better outcome?
As you take some time off over this summer, consider where you need to rebalance, so you stop taking on things which belong to others. It will make you more useful to them and to you as a result.
If you would like to discuss your coaching or leadership development needs for you or your team contact Annabel via LinkedIn, annabel@successfultraining.co.uk, or visit www.successfultraining.co.uk